I’ve recently been promoted in my household. No, not from wife to mother (although that happened too). No, this is a much bigger promotion…one that I barely had to work for. You are looking at the new C.W.O. of our home. Chief Worry Officer.The promotion came 10 short weeks ago when I went into Labor with my son and since that time I have really progressed in my new position. I’ve actually never moved so quickly up the ladder in any position in my life!
As the C.W.O. there are many things that are required of me. In fact, in order to even recieve the promotion in the first place, I had to ask several questions while I was in labor. Is the heartrate steady? Why is my blood pressure dropping? Is the baby okay? Why am I so cold? Why do I feel like I’m going to pass out? Ugh, I really wish I had a computer so I could google that. Is the baby okay? Why is the heartrate dropping? Is it normal to not feel my legs? Am I Poooop-inng!?
Since recieving the promotion, I have really excelled in my position. By the end of the first day as C.W.O., I was even impressed with myself at how much work I could get in one day with a newborn. Where is the baby? Why are they taking him away? Where are they taking him? When is he coming back? Is his ear supossed to look like that? Why does he have hair on his forehead? Is that going to go away? I need to google that. Is his penis normal? Does the circumcision hurt him? I definately think he’s in pain. I need to google that. Is he cold? What’s an AGPAR score? Is his normal? I need to google that.
Several days later I left the hospital and headed home. My job as C.W.O. then took on a whole new list of responsibilities. Is he in his carseat too tight? I can’t see him. What is he doing back there? Is he breathing? How come he’s not making any noises? I hate these stupid rear facing carseats! Honey, can you pull over. I’m going to sit in the back to make sure he’s okay. What if we get in a car accident? What if he get’s sick? What if I get sick? What if something happens to us? Who will take care of him? Should we have a will? How much is a will? I need to google that.
Once we got our new little bundle of joy in our home, my job as C.W.O. started to come very naturally. I didn’t even have to work at it anymore. It was like I was BORN to be a C.W.O.! Where should I put him? Will the dog be okay around him? What if we need to get rid of the dog? Who will take him? Is it normal for him to spit up this much? I mean, he’s really spitting up a lot. This cannot be normal. Is there something wrong with his digestive system? Is this because I’m not breastfeeding. I’m a terrible mother. Maybe I should try new bottles? Maybe I should switch formula? Maybe I should just google it.
I realized the night that we brought him home that being a C.W.O. is not a 9 to 5 job. In fact, my duties as a C.W.O. continued through the night into the early morning hours. Is he swaddled too tight? He looks really uncomfortable. I mean, he looks like a mental patient in a straight jacket. I should losen him. Or not. Should I give him a pacifier? What if he becomes that child who walks around Target at the age of 4 with a pacifier? Maybe I should just let him chew on his hands. But I can’t chop off his hands and I can take the pacifier away. I think I’m going to google that in the morning. Is he moving? Is he breathing? I’m just going to nudge him a teeny bit to see if he moves because I really don’t think he’s breathing. Oh crap, I woke him up. It’s okay little guy…Mommy just needed to check and see that you were still alive. You are. Good. Night nite!
In the weeks following my promotion, all my friends and familiy were amazed at how well I had taken to my new title. Some even thought that I was doing TOO good of a job and suggested that I take a vacation. But I told them C.W.O.’s do NOT take vacations! In fact, if anything, I needed to work more overtime! Can babies go outside when it’s hot out? Couldn’t they overheat? GOOGLE! Can I put sunscreen on him? No? Okay, well I guess that solves the question of going outside. Well, maybe we’ll just go for a walk. Oh shoot, there’s sun shining on his legs. Let me adjust the canopy. Ugh, now there’s sun on his forhead. Let’s just go home. We can sit on the deck when the sun goes down. What if he gets a mosquito bite? That would be terrible. I can’t imagine the poor guy getting a mosquito bite. Can he have mosquito repellent? I should google it. No mosquito repellent. Okay. Hmmm. How about a citronella candle? Is that okay for him to be near? Oh forget it, we’ll just stay inside. Is it too cold in here. I’m cold. He must be cold too. He needs more sleepers with feet. Grandma!!!
My husband soon began to take notice of all the work I had been putting in and tried to get me to put my position as C.W.O. on the backburner for awhile. HA! What a hilarious suggestion! Not when there is so much more work to be done! How long should he sleep in his bassinet? I think if I move him to his crib he’ll get scared. What if I don’t hear him and he chokes on his spit up! Oh geeze, can that actually happen?! I should google it. Is it normal for him to be crossing his eyes like that? I mean, it looks a little creepy. There must be something wrong with him. I’m going to google that. Am I holding him too much? Can you hold a baby too much? Should I be doing more with him? Should I let him cry a little? Okay, I’ll let him cry. For 5 minutes. Actually, three minutes. Okay…forget it. I think he’s too little to cry. That was a dumb idea. Should I wake him to feed him? I mean, he’s been sleeping for 6 hours and he’s never going to sleep tonight. When should he have a schedule? What does a schedule look like for a 10 week old? I’m going to google that.
You know what the great thing about being a C.W.O. is? JOB SECURITY! Not only are you busy with work all day long but you have work lined up for you for YEARS to come. What if I want to go on vacation? Can babies go on vacation? Maybe we’ll get a babysitter. Who could babysit? Can you interview babysitters?! I mean, I have some strict criteria. What if we leave him and he cries and wonders where I am?! Okay, nevermind. I’m not going anywhere. Dumb idea. When should he start preschool? Can we afford preschool? He has to go to preschool or he’ll be behind once he reaches kindergarten. He’ll have no social skills. What if he gets made fun of? What if he’s bullied? I want to talk to that child’s mother! What if he gets sick? Oh goodness, that is not a “what if”! That’s a “when”! What time is normal curfew for a teenager? He should have to call me every hour right? Maybe we could install that GPS thing on the car so I know where he is. Yeah, that’s what I’ll do. What if he slams his door and tells me he hates me?! What if he bring home a little skeezer for a girlfriend? Leave the door OPEN! Better yet, stay in the living room. Better yet, I think she should just leave. What if he wants to go away for college? What if he never wants to come home? What if he meets a woman he wants to marry?! That makes me the #2 woman in his life! Oh boy…I’m hyperventalating. Paper bag please!!!!!
Ahhhhh…..you know the great thing about being the C.W.O., there is ONE thing that allows you to put your duties on hold for 20 minutes. A LARGE glass of wine. So, cheers to all the other C.W.O.’s out there. It’s not an easy job….but someone has to do it.