Hello Motherhood…Goodbye Expectations August 24, 2010

Growing up we all begin to gather ideas in our heads of what it means to be a “mother”. Our experiences with our own mothers as well as how we fit into our own families have shaped in one way or another what we think a mother should or should not be. Like it or not, before giving birth, we all have a plan. A plan of how we will get our babies to sleep through the night (I mean, come on, it’s okay to let your baby cry….riiiiiight?). A plan of how we are going to discipline our children (you know…”not like so and so”). A plan of how we are going to run our households (because especially if we’re not working, we probably should be cooking and cleaning right?). Everything seems so neatly packaged when we are pregnant. Sure, everyone has their worries and fears before the baby comes but at least for the most part we develop some sort of “plan”. We read books, we get advice from others and well…we “figure things out”. Let me be the first one to share with you my plan: Give birth. Come home with little sweet smiling bundle of joy. Glow for the rest of my life in sheer happiness. Develop a routine within week one. Start working out several times a week by week four. Get “pre-pregnancy” body back by week six. Have a baby who sleeps through the night by week eight. And finally, by week ten, I was certain I was going to be so bored that I would HAVE to start working again. PWEW…well ladies…guess what week we’re at right now? Week 10. And aside from “giving birth”, my “plan” has been at a stanstill since I got home from the hospital.

In my experience, I feel that as a mother I have many expectations. Whether I place them on myself or whether society has made me feel them, they are definately there. Whether you are a working Mom or a Stay at Home Mome, the expectations and pressure that is felt the moment that baby arrives is something that is rarely spoken about. Mother’s are expected to be happy and smiling and filled with “baby joy”. I have been asked more times than I can count, “How is being a mother?”, and I put on a huge cheesy smile and say “It’s so WONDERFUL! I love every second of it!”. Then I think to myself “Really? Every second?”. Do we as mother’s have to answer that way? Would it make us less of a mother if we said “Well, I’m tired. Really tired. And my child screamed for an hour straight yesterday. I haven’t showered in four days. I’m wearing a baseball cap because my hair is dirty not because I’m “sporty”. My sofa’s are ruined because of spit up. My stomach is squishy and I know you say I look great but you haven’t seem me naked. And I swear if that pacifer pops out my baby’s mouth one more time I am going to throw it across the room! (the pacifer, not the baby)”. Does it make us less of a mother to have real feelings? I don’t think so. And is it okay if all those expectations that we place on ourselves as mothers slowly crumble before our very eyes? I think so. Why? Because we are all just trying to be the best mothers that we can be. Did Brody sleep next to me in my bed this morning because I was too exhausted to keep getting up to try to get him back to sleep in his crib? YES (GASP!!). Is it my husband’s 30th birthday today and I have nothing…I mean nothing planned? YES (although 99% of that is his fault because he went to work today with the carseat in the car..but still..). Do I have three loads of laundry to do and nothing for dinner? YES. Do I run and pick Brody up everytime he cries? YES (Aagain…GASP). And yes, I can already tell you that I WILL be the woman at the store with the screaming child getting nasty stares. Why? Well, because I’m already out and I have a cart half filled with what I need and to be honest I’m NOT putting it all back or coming back later! I’m here now. I’m staying and if it’s bothering your ears so much then maybe YOU should leave! .

So what is the point of all of this ranting and raving? We’re all Mommies just trying the best we can to make sure that our kids don’t end up royally screwed up at the age of 12 (or 30). Forget what everyone else expects of you. Go with what you feel. Chances are all the other smiling ear to ear Mommies out there have felt that same way at one point or time. None of us are perfect. We all love our children unconditionally but none of us are robots and it’s okay to have feelings! It’s okay to let go of everything we “thought” made a good mother and just be the best mother that we can be (and if that means you need to throw a pacifer against the wall…well, by all means DO IT!)

That’s my piece for today.

Stay tuned for more honest experiences and thoughts on Motherhood in the days and weeks to come.

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